


No kidding

by charlotte2594



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-15 05:50:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4595307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlotte2594/pseuds/charlotte2594
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Kurt Hummel wants from online dating is simple: "a partner, not a shag just so we are clear".<br/>But he doesn't know his mate will happen to be a sheer celebrity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. intriguing profile

**Author's Note:**

> er....seems like I will have a lot works begun with 'no'.

xxx

bluebirdajar.com was a site Kurt had been frequently logged in.

Yes, that was a online dating site.

And yes, that was one of the things he didn't particularly wish to let other people know, along with the existence of Bruce.

Kurt wanted nothing but a amiable partner; was he asking too much? (well, every online dater would say no)

Was he a bit pathetic? (well, every online dater would say no)

So, he filled the questionnaire, uploaded his photos, and finally, subscribed as a paid member.

And all he had to do was wait.

xxx

"Nope, no, non, nien....what the hell?" Kurt mumbled to himself, scrolling the website as he glancing over his matches form bluebirdajar.com.

"Oh, this one is funny....oh no, why on earth does a normal man hate recitals?"Kurt sighed, and rolled his eyes as he saw a man described himself as 'too hot to be true'.

"Hum...oh?"as a man who was hard to be impressed, Kurt found himself intrigued by a man's profile; it's weird, because this man didn't even upload his selfie, only a snap of croissant and a little card which looked very similar to a condom.

 

**Sebastian**

**-My partner should be:**

**physically attractive, preferably hot because I am as well.**

**He should like performing, singing, and if he's a bit overwhelmed by meeting celebrities, then maybe we shouldn't meet, because my job involves a lot, and frankly, I don't want to be interviewed.**

**I am all about witty remarks, I cannot stand retards.**

 

A bit arrogant but somehow quite genuine.

And Kurt decided to send this man a message, and that's what all things had begun.

 

 


	2. do you fancy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll like it :) thanks for the kudos <3  
> And if the content is hardly readable because of my choice of tenses or grammar, please let me know. I will correct them immediately.

_‘You’ve received a message from your match, want to peck?’-bluebirdajar.com_

 

“You beeet…fuck.” Clicking ‘see the message’ button, Sebastian cursed to himself a second later: he really shouldn't have got used to talking to himself.

“An online dater AND a mumbling guy, great.” He scolded, but as usual, he couldn't help it.

Sebastian would never admit this to anyone that he couldn't stop scrolling and updating the page ever since he’d finished his profile on bluebirdajar.com.

That would be too much pathetic and weak.

And Sebastian Smythe was a man who never should be related to those kinds of labels.

 

“Hum…Kurt E. Hummel...darling why do you think I should know your initial?”Sebastian smirked, and as he glancing over this man’s profile as well as his message, oh yeah, and the photo, which was pretty impressive since Sebastian worked in a fashion industry, he found himself being curious about this 27-year-old.

‘Flawless skin, very much gay and refined’ was a compliment from after-25 Sebastian; date before that, Sebastian had been always turned on by those bashful prep school boys.

‘Stylish haircut, vivid powder blue eyes and Mcqueen shirt’ consisted of a refreshing type, which had never been on Sebastian’s hunting list, but fine.

His profile was fine too, if it’s not a bit too much ‘clean’:

**Name: Kurt E. Hummel**

**Occupation: professional florist ever**

**\- What I am looking for**

**is a man who appreciates great music and fashion, being willing to spend his spare time doing nothing but intertwining or napping together.**

**I am looking for a partner, not a shag just so we are clear.**

**I am committed, which means cheater or liar is not welcome.**

**I want to start a long-term relationship, so if you are interested in having a stable, healthy relationship, send me your message, otherwise please just back off, I am not interested in washing my eyes to recover from a vision shock of some indecent, filthy photos _again_. **

 

Sebastian chewed his inner mouth for a while as pondering a proper response to Kurt’s question:

_Hi Sebastian, this is Kurt._

_Do you fancy talking about yourself a bit more?_

_Like what’s your usual plan for weekends? What kinds of food do you enjoy/disgust?_

_For me, well, I usually take a Netflix marathon with my friends, or strolling in parks if I had that much of time._

_In terms of food, I am a pretty great chef, which means I can cook basically everything, and all of which is moreish, according to my friends’ joyful moan. But there is one particular kind of food I cannot stand, that is any variants of hamburger._

_Also, I was intrigued by your photo, too._

_Kurt_

 

After nearly one hour later, Sebastian finished his reply.

 

_Hey Kurt,_

_My usual plan for weekends changes all the time because of my hectic schedule, but if I had a choice, I would definitely choose to take a nap or stay in a cottage doing nothing but relax. Since we are all adults, I assume I don’t need to clarify sometimes other physically involved activities were arranged._

_For food, I have spent my entire youth in Paris without financial problems, so I appreciate those refined food and wine instead of shoddy snacks._

_Hamburgers are also on my no-no list though technically I was born in America. Are you from England (judging from the words you used)? I must say those British accent really is killing me, Scottish and India accent are another kind of killing though._

_I am not a high qualified cook, but I do have several up to par meals to show my gastronomic talents._

_Finally, about my photo, well, I am way far from hideous, I just want to try another way of getting to know men; face-to-face sometimes didn't work out decently. Food and sex, what else could beat this set?_

_Sebastian_

 

After sending his message, Sebastian brewed himself another cup of coffee mixed with a bit cognac, and couldn't get rid of the idea why he was willing to answer this ‘marriage lover’ for that long.

Sebastian did not desperately need long-term bf stuff, but he was kind of tired of hooking around too. For one thing, everyone knew that being a celebrity meant no privacy, but being a horny one meant you had to fit those fantasies, otherwise your career might fall, yeah even from that.

Like Sebastian was a man willing to try new positions and kinky scenes, but that didn't mean he always wanted to fill the ‘a superstar is fucking/is fucked by me’ kink.

Not to mention those comments; Sebastian was excel in sexual intercourse, but sometimes he wanted to be taken care too. (FYI, if you think that implied Sebastian wanted to bottom, then you were not ready to hear the most important lesson he learnt from Kama Sutra, that was: orgasm trumped every position.)

That’s not a fantastic reason for replying to a man who loved commitment, but that’s almost the true reason why a sexy, famous actor like Sebastian would try online dating when he could get nearly whatever and whoever he wanted.

Maybe, who knew, he might have a great time with this Kurt. Clean. Hummel.


	3. could it be...him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this may take a while to finish...and I haven't decided the following plots yet to be honest. ;)

 

“Wait, wait, it can’t be…”Kurt mumbled in awe, he soon searched on the Internet for Sebastian, and he didn't know whether he should've been relieved or not to find out there were quite a lot American Sebastian happened to be actors and also had lived in Paris.

“What’s wrong with these Sebastian? Isn't this name supposed to be special?”

Because the very Sebastian in his mind was inexplicably awesome. Those emerald green eyes with cute little freckles, sweet gaga from the sky.

Also those characters he had been performed, well, you could not say they were all up to par, but he certainly had his own charisma.

And it’s highly possible could be _that_ Sebastian since well, bluebirdajar.com charged a pretty high fee. According to Google, not many Sebastian were finance sufficient enough to pay for it.

 

“ohmygodohmygodohmygod…what if it really _is_ him?”Kurt nearly screamed. He later tried to recall any information that Sebastian had ever shared via interviews, and he must have admitted that unfortunately (or super luckily) _that_ Sebastian had never talked about his disapproval towards hamburgers or his obsession of British accent to boot.

But apart from that, everything he showed was unbelievably similar to the actor, who was known as his openly sexuality and successful (numerous) affairs with many eligible men.

Though this side of actor Sebastian had never been Kurt’s favourite (FYI,he _seldom_ read those tabloids), he was also well aware of that might not all true, or even if it had been, well, Kurt should really have had his respect to bluebirdajar.com.

After all, those matches he had received were all carefully selected, which meant that anyone could see his profile must have had something in common with him.

Kurt was not a crazy fan for any celebrity in his entire life; he always admired idols with dignity, only if you didn’t take flailing, over-burned cheeks and purring (yes!) into account.

Indeed, Kurt had been working for many celebrities in their weddings, anniversaries (sometimes I-am-sorry-please-forgive-me bouquets) and parties, but not even once did he really have some sort of affairs with them.

Partly because he’s not those hot gay models type, but mostly because of his voice.

Girls who liked him would describe it as ‘angelic’; men who did not feel like it would just say ‘too cute to hear’.

Either way meant ‘no thanks’.

 

So that’s one of the main reasons for Kurt to try online dating; and he’s not ashamed of doing this, not at all.

(He just tended to make sure all the cookies, from this site he used frequently to other researches he did to follow his idols’ news and fan fictions, were cleared every time he closed his laptop.)

As a man appreciated the value of privacy, Kurt decided not to pry Sebastian, instead, he tried to be as genuine as possible in his reply in the hope that Sebastian would find him worth-hanging out with.

 

xxx

_Hi Sebastian,_

_Staying in a cottage sounds marvellous, even it involves with physical contact, which makes the scene far more ‘active’ than it should be._

_I presume you enjoy quiet moment as well?_

_No, I am from Ohio, though one of my exs is British, years together somehow I become a half Londoner. I am not sure whether it’s a good thing or not._

_I haven’t developed any accent fetish yet, but I imagine it would be sexy if my bf happened to have a French accent. To me, it sounds adorable in a nasal way._

_Great, I am glad you do not against cooking. Sometimes when I get super frustrated from work, you know how annoying can a rich customer be, I enjoy chopping vegetables and making soups for hours._

_What would you do to get rid of stress? Apart from sex I mean._

_Right now I am working on the floral design of a private party which needs to be ‘legendary’._

_This over brief request amazed me even after seven-year working experience, and this very lady has asked me to design for her numerous ‘you wouldn't want to miss this one’ parties for_ quite a while _._

 

_I hope you have a great day._

_Kurt_


	4. Legendary works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a)how many characters will show up until I finished it b)how many grammatical mistakes I will make till you guys cannot tolerate.  
> Comments are welcomed<3

Kitty Wilde was one of the luckiest girls in America.

She didn't have to worry about running out of money, dealing with being bullied in schools/isolated after schools and lacking sexual experiences.

The only thing she had been struggled was how to tackle boredom.

That’s why she had held numerous parties, long before she was introduced to a rather famous floral designer in Cali three years ago.

At first she didn't like him, heck, more precisely speaking, she couldn't even tolerate him from his girly voice to overly dressed outfits and various hand gestures; however, she had reluctantly admitted later that when it came to decorations, Kurt Hummel was totally in his elements.

Kitty literally moaned when she walked into her ball room; deep glaucous green cloth with vintage patterns in light silver blue, which was perfectly blend in with different kinds of pinks: from roses like Spinel red gems to pink-and-white peonies, to a few gardenias put besides name cards, to light pinkish cinnamon fabric flowers, finally, to shell pink balloon flowers decorated around chairs.

Everything looked so much creamy and accurately refined.

Aside from the scene, Kitty could barely tell the fresh yet warm scent pleasantly greeted her guests all night, which Kurt explained to her later that it was rosemary. And all of these marvellous items all came from an obscure request: ‘a cup of milk tea in midnight’.

“Though I'm sure my mom would love you being oblivious, but didn't you forget to list millions of diffusers on this?”Kitty asked suspiciously as examining the bill.

“Diffusers? No, I seldom use them. That would be too trite.”Kurt wrinkled his nose in disapproval. “What I used were few twigs of rosemary.”

“How? You just put them with couple of tourmaline in a full moon night?”Kitty smiled as her innuendoes still worked perfectly on people’s cheeks. Well, not all people, Ryder was one of the most retard/insensitive (changing as her mood swung) people she knew who couldn't understand innuendoes.

“No, but I will send some tourmaline to you in case you are desperately in _the_ need.”Kurt cleared his throat, “I just smoked them, and by _them_ I mean the twigs.”

Kitty was a bit startled when she realised how much she was amused by Kurt’s retorts. Seldom could she meet eligible nemesis. ‘It could also be explained as long-term relationship with Ryder though.’ Kitty thought ironically.

Although she’s blatantly careless about money, hiring Kurt Hummel to take a full charge in designing her parties cost a fortune. That’s why this year she managed to ask him for bouquets design mostly. As for full service, according to her new year’s resolution, only two times a year: once was for her birthday that’s for sure, the other was for her best friend of the year. (That’s right; she was one of those bitches who evaluated/graded her friends.)

Sebastian was one of those wealthy acquaintances from Ohio her parents insisted she must have invited to her parties, since they were all teens. Kitty didn’t complaint, if anything, she enjoyed introduce gay boys to him just to see how he seduced them. Kitty always shared a similar taste and values with Sebastian Smythe, oh no.

Lately Sebastian had rejected her party invitations for as many as three times, and she knew very well he’s on his break at the moment. Kitty Wilde was also one of those girls who demanded to know every secret, the dirtier, the better.

 

To Sebastian S. 10.05AM

As an outgoing girl, it is highly possible that I run into your physical business. Split it before I make you erectile.

**To Kitty W. 10.07AM**

I don’t run any gym or keep fit business. And I have never been erectile, not even when you asked me out.

To Sebastian S. 10.09AM 

Mr. Always turn-on, I wonder how you keep behaving politely when your penis erects all the time. T.E.L.L M.E. N.O.W.

** To Kitty W. 10.11AM  **

If you didn't have an overly loyal boyfriend and you apparently stand his company, I would presume you were trying to sext. Tell me why I should.

To Sebastian S. 10.14AM 

Because a) I cannot stand being turned down over three times, b) you should take good care about your well-being (including your dick) and finally c) I may be willing to set a party for you and your mysterious BF.

To Sebastian S. 10.18AM 

Aw, feeling guilty that you hid your romance from your best friend ever?

**To Kitty W. 10.22AM**

Somehow you always know how to make me sane by saying something ridiculous. Since you desperately want to be my BFF, you will have the honour to know his name _later_.

To Sebastian S. 10.24AM 

So there _is_ a mysterious BF then?

**To Kitty W. 10.25AM**

Not BF yet, so hold your tongue, Wilde.

To Sebastian S. 10.26AM 

As your wish, bashful boy. After all, the first cut is the deepest~

**To Kitty W. 10.26AM**

Asshole.

To Sebastian S. 10.27AM 

Just last week, I finally talked Ryder into doing that, thanks for your concern.

When do you think you can tell me about him?

 

Sebastian’s lips curved as he saw a new message from Kurt. Seldom of his friends knew he sometimes preferred being alone. Even he’d happily devoted to his acting career, Sebastian happened to stay at home with a hoodie, (he surprisingly didn't care about couture as many other people raising by wealthy , genteel parents)savouring a glass of fruity wine more often than visiting bars and pubs, which seemed like a high school memory. Well, back at that time, he had frequently been to a gay bar (surreal enough since it existed in Ohio ten years ago), but that’s only because he found little fulfilment in school, (since he could effortlessly pass most exams) and also in his personal life. Like many upper-class couples, Sebastian’s parents respected to each other’s privacies, which could also be interpreted as being aloof.

And here was Kurt, who didn't even see his face, being so open and tactful to him. He felt warm, though he knew this feeling came a bit too soon, it existed till the end of the day.

 

_Hello Kurt,_

_Nice hearing from you._

_I do enjoy some quiet moment just my own when I feel I can’t stand meeting many strangers any longer. But I guess I kinda get used to people’s stare sometimes, well, I have preened on it since I was in high school._

_I am from Ohio too! Though Ohio itself seldom makes people think of surprises,adventures or other things like an exclamation mark which may be considered as great icebreakers. Anyway, I presume you've visited the Scandal as well? Tell me your comments._

_Hum, I've dated two Londoners; one was a stereotype, the other was a poor man trying very hard not to be seen as a Londoner, but…_

_It’s a good thing to be fastidious and sometimes lukewarm, especially when you are famous in your field; many people tend to ask famous fellows to do something ‘legendary’(=absurd)._

_I am glad you told me that you liked French accent; it would be awesome to know your other fetishes…later._

_My work is rather challenging if it’s not a bit demanding, so it happens pretty often. I usually go jogging and dance. Chopping sounds interesting, but I am too lazy to clean up. Maybe you will teach me how to make it interesting?_

_A girl I know likes torturing people (fortunately mostly her boyfriend) by giving them weird missions. Have you come up with any ideas that were ‘legendary’?_

_Not trying to make you envious, but I am taking a rest for two months; after a horrible busy project lasting nearly a year, I guess you would allow me to stay in my cottage for a few weeks doing nothing but well, now writing to you._

_Have a splendid night, Kurt._

_Sebastian_

 

 

Scrolling through several both teasing and meaningless messages, Sebastian replied to Kitty’s previous question.

**To Kitty W. 12.03AM**

As long as a lovely relationship needs. Shut up otherwise you want to meet him at your funeral.

 


End file.
